New Year's Reflections and Forecasts

With only about 4 hours left in 2012, I guess it's time to look at the past year and reflect on the greatness...and maybe not so greatness.  I pick an annual theme, some attribute that I use in the spirit of everything I do, last year's theme was "ambition".  Here are a few things, good and bad, that I did in 2012:

1. Lost 48#! That's right at half of the weight I wanted to lose forever! I've maintained this loss for the past 3 months. I'm right under 50# from goal
2. Joined the Y...that's really a big deal to me, I'm one of those people who will use the gym if I have a membership, it always seems like a big expense, but I've found that it's just another bill I have to pay to survive. 
3. Fell in LOVE with a fitness class! It's called "Pulse" and is the brainchild of a former Zumba instructor who has taken dance fitness to the next level! An absolutely amazing class that I have to keep in my life.
4. Have kicked a few negative people in my life to the curb and have surrounded myself with people who truly want the best for me and push me to be the best version of myself I can be. 
5. Finally let my sweetheart of the past 6 years put a (engagement) ring on it...I love him with all my heart, but am so afraid of having another failed marriage that I felt that I couldn't fail if it wouldn't happen...well, we're one step closer to an official happily ever after story.
6. I really blew it with money this year. Pretty much wiped out the savings account by just living larger than I really ever should have thought of. Yeah, I'm the girl who knows how many calories I have eaten and how many I have left for the day, but have no idea at any given time how much money is in my checking account. 
7. I started this blog! I love writing and would one day love to get my full, unabridged story out there (yeah, I would love to write a book, I actually have an idea for a second book as well, so if you know any publishers...)
8. Started a small garden and grew a lot of my own food this summer...If it hadn't been for the drought, I really would have saved a fortune in groceries, but my water bill actually ate away at any of the savings.
9. I feel that I've done a great job of walking the walk of the virtues I preach. I am a nutritionist by profession, and I work with a lower income population who sometimes seems desperate and hopeless. I hope they see see that I am living a healthy lifestyle myself on a shoestring budget. 

Whew! Now that I look at it, 2012 was a busy year! No wonder I wonder where it all went! Looking on at 2013, my theme will be "fun" not so say that I plan on being totally flaky, but I do plan on living in the moment, laughing, and playing a lot!  Here are some things that I would like to accomplish: 

1. I'm hitting my goal weight! Would like to see it happen by spring, but it certainly will happen before 2014!
2. Sending my kiddo off to college...doing everything I can to be able to send her to the school of her (and my) dreams!
3. I want to learn as many "survival skills" as possible, #1 on the list is to learn how to use my slingshot, and get scary accurate with it!
4. Trying every fitness class that sounds interesting or fun to me. Right now I have my eye on giving Turbo Kick and Piloxing a go!
5. Grow even more of my own food this year...my goal is maybe 50% of the produce we eat. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot about growing a garden last year, so I really think I can do so much better this year! 
6. Get right with the money situation. Use my tax check to pay off some debt so my bills will be lower this year and start living more simply. 
7. Speaking of living simply, I want to declutter. I will be getting rid of everything that I don't use or love, so looks like I'll be having one heckuva yard sale this spring!
8. Incorporating more hobbies and spending more time doing leisure activities. Get back in to sewing, crafting, and decorating.

Looks like a big fun year ahead, and I can't wait to get started!

The Ramblings Associated with Detoxing

Weird. I have been off the wagon diet-wise for a little while now. Between people bringing holiday snacks in to work and my own sadness missing my son and all, I really haven't been watching what I eat at all for the past week and a half. The exciting thing about me admitting this is that last night I took a good look at myself, my hands and feet were swollen beyond belief, my stomach distended, and I've just been lazy and headache-y since last Thursday and I knew for certain that diet was the reason for this. I immediately decided today was the day I get back on track, and absolutely couldn't wait to get started! What a better way to do it than to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables for the next 24 hours!!

The mind-blowing thing to me is how I feel today. I just feel light and energized. I question why in the world I don't do this all the time because I just feel amazing!

More or less, I just had to put this in writing so the next time I find myself struggling with not being able to stop eating junk, I can take a look at this and see that it will only make me feel miserable.

I Knew there was a Reason for Not Posting Last Week Like I Said I Would

I really don't know how to post this without it just seeming one sided and making a national tragedy appear to be all about me...if that's the way I end up coming across, please know that isn't the intention, but with that being said, this is my blog, my place to put my feelings down in writing, and my way of working things out in my head, so really I guess it is about me.

I wanted to post on Angel Day, had every intention, but didn't have it in me. It was just a very low key day and I spent most of it just trying to recharge my batteries. The day after, I wanted to post and something told me to just wait, the time wasn't right. When the tragedy in CT happened on Friday, I think I knew why it just didn't seem like the time to talk about healing from the loss of a child. I hate that there are now a bunch of new members of the bereaved parent club. It's a club that no one ever wants to be part of and spends a good chunk of time as a parent trying to stay out of, but due to circumstances out of our control, here we are. The good news is that we all love, support and understand each other. For a club whose membership is forced upon you, there sure are a lot of great people who I wouldn't have had the privilege of knowing otherwise.

It's appalling to me to see how many people are looking at a situation like this and questioning the existence of God. I just don't understand how they don't see that the only way these families are even putting on a brave face while picking out a casket for their children is because God is there guiding them through this.  The outpouring of love, support, prayers, money, and people just asking what they can do is God's work. Millions of parents going home Friday evening and declaring it to be family night so they can hang out with their kids that they just gained an appreciation for instead of everyone going their separate ways as usual is God's work. Tragedy should make our faith grow stronger, not drive us to question our faith.

The thing I am so grateful for concerning my time spent with Arthur is that we knew that his stay on earth was limited. People have asked me time after time how hard it was knowing that we wouldn't have him long, and I have to say I felt like it was a luxury. We knew not to take a minute for granted. We took him everywhere, even stopped for dinner and shopping on our way home from the hospital. We went to school Christmas programs and holiday shopping through the snow and large crowds. That's something that most people wouldn't dream of doing with a newborn, but we had the luxury of getting to be a little reckless in order to pile on the experiences for him. Yes, I'm a bereaved parent, I know the feeling of telling my child good bye for one last time. I know what it's like to hold the lifeless body of my baby hoping that he's just sleeping a little too deeply. Honestly, on the evening he passed, I didn't completely believe that he was really gone until I saw his toenails change color and felt rigor set in. That is an image that will never leave my mind and haunts me endlessly.

I know exactly what if feels like to lose the person who you are in charge of keeping safe and healthy, but what I don't know is the horror of being completely blindsided by the news that your child is no longer with you. I know it's sometimes a challenge to get a little one off to school in the mornings. I'm certain one or two of these kids spilled a whole box of cereal on the kitchen floor, lost their shoes, or made their parents late for work. I'm sure there was at least one of these children who was certain to be grounded until he was 35 over something that happened that morning, and now that the world has changed, that parent feels like the biggest heel who ever walked the planet. Over the next few weeks, I think we will all be a little more aware of our children's mortality, but will we continue to treat them like this might be their last day on earth 2 or 3 months from now? Will we forget that we should never walk away angry because that person you're angry with may never come back? I recall as a child, my dad would get so infuriated with my behavior and I was completely deserving of his lectures. I also remember that every corrective action ended with the same words, "I'm only yelling at you because I love you, dammit".  Up until this past week, I always found humor in this line, but now I realize that he always made sure to let me know that it wasn't me he was mad at, it was my behavior, and that he loved me no matter what. Had I gone on to school and not come home that day, he would have never had any regrets about the way he treated me at all.

To me, the bring home message to the event that has surrounded our thoughts this weekend is to  never take a moment with someone you love for granted and to never let someone go away feeling as if you are angry with them. One thing I can be most proud of from my experience with Arthur is that there was never a moment in his life where we didn't talk to him or treat him with the utmost of kindness and respect. How many other people can check out of this world without ever having been spoken to unkindly?

A Meloncholy Sort of Normal

I haven't had many positive things to say lately, so I just haven't said much at all. This isn't me, it's the season. Biggest problem with this is the vicious circle of not wanting to work out or eat right because I'm sad...and we all know that if you don't work out and eat right, it can make you sad. I've hit that place where I'm just plain tired of being sore and tired all the time, I've been there before and it never seems to get easier to get out of that funk, but I will get out of it. Plus I've gained a massive hunk of loose skin that really gets in my way when I do ab work lately, so instead of feeling all svelte and compact, I just feel floppy. I have cranked down the intensity of my workouts, been walking to work (5 miles round trip) instead of jog/ power walking my usual 3 miles plus some sort of class. I appreciate the opportunity to be outside and soak in some sunlight, I'm sure that's helping a bit. I will not stop being active just because I'm burned out, I'm just lessening the intensity (which, I'm sure means I'm slowing down my weight loss as well).

I envy the people I see that just dive right into their journeys and chug away, all motivated and stuff the whole way, until the weight melts off. My journey isn't like that at all, it's slow, not at all steady, in fact, it's very bumpy. I have great months of loss and months where I just barely do my best to maintain. I have also found my journey to be just as much mental as physical, and some days I feel like my brain is much flabbier than my body. I guess the harder you have to work for something, the more you appreciate it when you finally have it, right?

Still celebrating the 13 days of Arthur the best way I can, I've really been more down this year than the past couple, but I guess you'll have that...the journey through grieving is very similar to a weight loss journey, everyone does it differently, at a different speed, and there's no right way to do it. There are also backslides, it really is about picking yourself up more times than you fall down, just like in weight loss. Here's to praying that December 11 will bring an opportunity to reflect, recharge, and really start feeling more of the way I have chosen "normal" to feel again.

November 28, I Hate Writing that Date

Today is Arthur's birthday. Today is also the first time I have gone to work on November 28 since 2006. I do have it in me today, I think there is a point where life just has to get back to the "normal" that you have chosen for yourself, and I'm really ready to treat November 28 like a regular day. Here's the problem that I never foresaw...my job requires physical documentation after having seen a client, I have to sign and date the paperwork. I haven't written "November 28" on anything other than a memorial sort of tidbit in over 5 years, so of course, when I write that date, I immediately go into "in memory of..." mode.  Funny how I analyzed all of the potential barriers to working today and that never came up! That being said, I will be OK working on November 28 from now on, I feel like sometimes "normal" is just more comforting, but I will certainly not be working on December 11 (Angel Day) this year...too may flashbacks still.

I went to the gym this morning, as promised. Ran my legs off (it really doesn't take much for that to happen)... afterward, I felt great physically and felt great about what I had done. Now my hip is screaming in pain! Not going to let this break the 13 day streak, really working on stretching it out, I think it's a tendon issue, hopefully it can carry me on another run tomorrow morning! Have I mentioned how grateful I am to be as strong and healthy as I have become? In November of 2008, when this journey first started to spark, I was exhausted after walking my first mile when I decided to train for that fateful half marathon. It was REALLY hard for me to make it across the street to get home that day, now look at me! I have been given the gift of being able to walk absurdly long distances now (pretty sure I COULD finish a half marathon, just wouldn't be too happy about the way I feel after), I can run 2-3 miles without much trouble, I can make it through just about any hour long fitness class that is thrown my way, I'm lifting about 3 times the weight than I was 3 months ago, and I feel AMAZING! Physically and emotionally, I just feel wonderful. When I think of that broken, crying girl who wasn't able to even walk a mile without pushing herself to her limit, I'm so glad that I'm not her anymore. I don't hate her, and am glad that she existed, I think of her often, but have absolutely no desire to ever see her again!

We are having a mini retirement party for a couple of ladies at work today, lots of treats sitting around, and have to admit, I did take a plate of whatever I wanted (fruit, tortilla chips and salsa, cheese cubes, and a couple of cookies...there was a day when that would have been my first course, then would have been lurking around the snack table all day, so certainly took about 1/4 of what I would have a year ago). This time, I'm calling that my lunch, got by with a fairly light breakfast and have a Greek yogurt just in case of the hungries this afternoon. There is still a lot of fruit left, so that's another option for afternoon munchies.

Heading back to the stability ball to work on some more stretches for that hip now!

The Dawn of a Big Celebration

Only about 4 hours left until the start of our 13 day celebration of Arthur's life. It may seem silly to do this, but to me, there is no reason not to celebrate the tad under two week period that completely changed my life. I feel that people often downplay the death of an infant, I have had quite a few insensitive comments tossed my way and have certainly overheard others. The takeaway here is that these little people who we, the bereaved parents, have lost ARE people! With real lives, real names, and real parents who had real hopes and dreams for them. They lived in the womb, some never took a breath of air on earth, while others lived long enough on the outside to meet some people who will always remember them.  Arthur didn't live long, but he lived long enough to show me that there are truly beautiful people in the world, he seemed to draw out the beautiful soul of everyone he encountered. Arthur also lived long enough to show me that there is a God who has a plan for me, and that I should just trust my intuition because that's Him pointing me in the right direction.

When I rise in the morning, I will dress for the gym, get into the car and sing "Happy Birthday" at the top of my lungs! Once I arrive at the gym, I plan on running as far as I can. I don't care if it hurts, nothing can hurt worse than the memory of holding your deceased child for the last time.  I will run in honor of the little boy who I was told would never be able to stand, walk, eat, or live beyond a few days.  I will run until my legs give out and my lungs burn because when you attach physical pain to emotional pain, it seems so much easier to deal with. I will run every day until December 11, the day that Arthur decided his run on Earth was over.

I will also continue to write on many different platforms.  Arthur's story has to be told, people need to know to look at the bigger picture.  They need to know that when the worst thing that you can possibly imagine happens to you, it happens for a reason.  God gives you a choice, you can let tragedy define you or you can pray for strength and come out of something so terrible as a better person and hopefully inspire other people to deal with their own tragedies in a meaningful way.

Tonight's post really has nothing to do with what this blog is about, yet, somehow it also has everything to do with it. Yes, it is totally a page owned by a fit foodie who is enjoying a pretty significant weight loss, but I know if it weren't for meeting Arthur, I would have never looked at myself the way his little eyes looked at me and seen someone who deserves to take the best care of herself possible.

Now that the heavy stuff is off my chest, I can go on posting fun food and fitness stuff!!

It's Alive!

Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt when his creature started to become animated.  I've been working on the look and layout of my blog all morning and I'm pretty happy with it so far.

Today is one of those days I'm just going to be flying by the seat of my pants (that are really pretty baggy now) as far as eating and fitness goes, I think I'm just going to listen to my body. If I have a craving for a banana or salad, I'll eat it. If I crave a walk, I'll take it. I may head down to Pulse Fitness tonight because that just feels like the thing to do, but if I start to feel otherwise by this evening, I will do otherwise. I don't think I've ever felt this in control of my body in my life and I LOVE it!

Only two days until Arthur's birthday celebration, really, we've turned it into a thirteen day jamboree to celebrate a beautiful soul with a very short life. I'm planning a thirteen day running streak, have been having some hip ugliness, so really hope I can do this, but keep telling myself that if a little kiddo who wasn't supposed to live past 7 gestational weeks managed to live 13 days past birth, I think I can move past a sore hip to do something for him that he could have never done. Also, I REALLY want to start writing again, so I think I will take this opportunity to also commit to a thirteen day writing streak, maybe make a goal of 13 pages per day!

What We've All Been Waiting for....

So, I'm totally excited! This is the project I've been working on, thought it would be the perfect thing to honor Arthur's 5th birthday with, my very own blog. I've been thinking about putting a blog out there for a while now, I feel that Arthur's story has to be told, and I also feel like my phoenix-esque rise from rock bottom also needs to be put out there, not as a show-offy, look at meeeee sort of thing, but I really want to inspire other people and let them know that there is hope and that it is possible to come out on the other side of tragedy as a better person. I'm planning on posting lots of food stuff, fitness goodies, and downright inspirational things because this is more than a food blog, fitness blog, or blog of a grieving mother...this is the  diary of a woman who is overcoming her grief by pursuing her passions!