Laying Low...

I haven't been around the web much lately other than to interact with certain people in certain circles. Sometimes there's something to be said about being a little less educated on some topics and having a little less information at my fingertips (can someone say she's simplifying some more?).  I just feel like there are a whole lot of "experts" out there ready and willing to proclaim that there's only one right way to do everything. Heck, I'm a nutrition professional and it's so easy for me to get wrapped up in the one right way that I forget that we are all human and that this is all just opinion. The way that works for me isn't the way that will work for you and that doesn't mean that either one of us are failures, it just means we think and operate much differently.

I'm finding that this "one right way" mindset is toxic to me and something that just needs to leave my way of thinking entirely.  It's no secret to those who know me well that when I get my mind set on something, I go all out. It's just a personality trait of mine which leads to things getting done, but also leads me to start doubting myself and judging others. There is absolutely no room in my life for this sort of thinking any longer.  I've lived with disordered eating my entire life. I tend to float around between binge eating disorder, bulimia, and very short bouts of anorexia, followed by guilt because I can't even maintain a poisonous lifestyle for long. In the past couple of years, I've also dabbled in orthorexia and exercise bulimia, so I've pretty much done it all at this point.  The deal is, my dress size is smaller, my skin is clearer, and my smile is wider. I certainly feel so much better physically. Combine that with my education and background, and people suddenly start looking to me for that "one right way" to do it themselves. Then they get really frustrated when I tell them that it's all opinion based and there isn't really one way to look and feel better. In the mean time, I'm treading on eggshells hoping that I don't  A) accidentally offer advice that will send someone else into their own little disordered way of fueling their bodies or B) remind myself that my results were so much quicker and more obvious when I was hurting myself, maybe I should just start going back to doing that.

That being said, I'm beginning to feel like food is becoming more like religion and politics for me. It's going to start being a topic that's just off limits. You can look at my plate and look in my grocery cart all you want, but don't ask me if a food is good or bad, food should not have the sort of power to be labeled as such, it's just food. I've decided from this moment forward (and actually, I adopted this attitude a couple of weeks ago), I'm going to ask myself if this is what normal people do, feel, or think when it comes to fueling their bodies and burning calories. I guarantee you that the healthiest people on earth with the healthiest body image are not counting calories in vs calories out and wearing heart rate monitors all day, and I won't be either!

And my Latest Evolution Is....

I've been really thinking about things and happiness, and happiness without things, and looking into a more minimilist lifestyle (can we say tiny houses are just the cutest?!) Been feeling a bit drained, like I'm wasting energy on things that don't really matter, I mean, really, when is the last time someone asked me what my exact weight is? Well, I can tell you, it was March 28, the last day of a weight loss challenge I participated in. Since then, I've gotten on the scale, stayed off the scale, eaten the food, deprived myself of the food, worked out until my body cried uncle, and spent a couple of weeks pretty much bedridden. In the end, I weigh today within a pound of what I did in March. Crazy, huh? Yet I've put so much energy into that number that I've forgotten what's really important.

And a list of what means the most to me (in no particular order):

My kiddo
My sweetheart
My dad
My health
My memories
My tiny little patch of fresh vegetables in the front yard
My handful of friends that either get it, or at least encourage me if they don't


Notice, this list doesn't include the number on the scale, yes, my health is important. Eating healthy foods and exercise just makes me feel good and I really like to feel good. I'm spending FAR too much time and energy on trying to chase that magic number on that ugly machine. If I stop using food to punish myself and work on getting stronger and fitter simply for the sake of being stronger and fitter, not for some sick arbitrary "challenge" that I've set up for myself so I can watch myself fail and make up for it by withholding food, I feel like that number will just fall into place.

Also notice, this list does not include my community, it includes very specific people in my community, yet I've been feeling the need to really put myself out there as the spokesmodel for all things healthy. Yes, my story needs to be told. Yes, inspiring people to make healthy choices feels good, but not at the expense of my own health. That's time I'm taking away from my little patch of veggies or cutting a few seconds off of a mile.

Now, about decluttering and purging stuff around the house...seems like a completely daunting task, but I'm up for it! Might be MIA for a while trying to figure that part out.

Spring Fever!

Wow, it's really been since January since I've posted? Spring is certainly a time of renewal! I've really been looking at my personal goals and my fitness goals, I've stayed off the scale and stopped letting a 3-digit number define my success, and I've started really branching out physically. I'm also working on some projects professionally and working feverishly to get a thing or two scratched off the bucket list!

A few things are planted in the ground, lots of greens like spinach, kale, Swiss chard, and lettuce, I'm hoping to get my front yard small space vegetable garden the rest of the way planted between rain showers this week. This blog might possibly turn into a plethora of garden pictures and tips before this is all over! The best way to know exactly what you're putting into your body is to see how that food was treated when it was raised, and the best way to know that is to raise it yourself!

This brings me to another point, and that is, this blog.  It started out as a "weight loss" sort of thing, but right now, that's not where my head is, so I've been feeling quite reluctant to post about weight-related sorts of things. It's quite possible I've been losing again, people have been commenting on my appearance and my clothes fit me a bit looser (but I like stretchy clothes with little fit, so not sure if that's the best way to measure), the point is, I really don't care about weight loss...I care about health! I care about getting myself as fit, mentally, physically, and spiritually, as I can. Weight loss tends to follow these things, but doesn't even begin to measure the strides I've taken over the past 5 months.  I intended this year to be all about fun, about starting new projects, forming new friendships, and really getting out there and enjoying life, but what I'm seeing is that on my quest for fun, I'm enjoying a side effect of healing which is an amazing thing!

I am probably going to lose some followers because I'm not going to post about my weekly losses, my daily calorie burn, or my food journals. These things are terribly important to people who are new to the weight loss journey, but they don't mean much to me anymore. "Building a Better Mel" means just that...helping myself become the best me I can be. That means crossing things off my bucket list, advocating for making healthy and delicious foods available to everyone, getting my gardening in and watching the living foods that I'm putting into my body develop, and getting some super sweaty, intense, and fun workouts in along the way! Expect more posts from me now that I know my direction, honestly, I was terribly lost for a little bit, but I"m back with the energy that a only a rainy spring afternoon can produce. Here's to doing whatever it takes to truly build a better Mel.

New Year's Reflections and Forecasts

With only about 4 hours left in 2012, I guess it's time to look at the past year and reflect on the greatness...and maybe not so greatness.  I pick an annual theme, some attribute that I use in the spirit of everything I do, last year's theme was "ambition".  Here are a few things, good and bad, that I did in 2012:

1. Lost 48#! That's right at half of the weight I wanted to lose forever! I've maintained this loss for the past 3 months. I'm right under 50# from goal
2. Joined the Y...that's really a big deal to me, I'm one of those people who will use the gym if I have a membership, it always seems like a big expense, but I've found that it's just another bill I have to pay to survive. 
3. Fell in LOVE with a fitness class! It's called "Pulse" and is the brainchild of a former Zumba instructor who has taken dance fitness to the next level! An absolutely amazing class that I have to keep in my life.
4. Have kicked a few negative people in my life to the curb and have surrounded myself with people who truly want the best for me and push me to be the best version of myself I can be. 
5. Finally let my sweetheart of the past 6 years put a (engagement) ring on it...I love him with all my heart, but am so afraid of having another failed marriage that I felt that I couldn't fail if it wouldn't happen...well, we're one step closer to an official happily ever after story.
6. I really blew it with money this year. Pretty much wiped out the savings account by just living larger than I really ever should have thought of. Yeah, I'm the girl who knows how many calories I have eaten and how many I have left for the day, but have no idea at any given time how much money is in my checking account. 
7. I started this blog! I love writing and would one day love to get my full, unabridged story out there (yeah, I would love to write a book, I actually have an idea for a second book as well, so if you know any publishers...)
8. Started a small garden and grew a lot of my own food this summer...If it hadn't been for the drought, I really would have saved a fortune in groceries, but my water bill actually ate away at any of the savings.
9. I feel that I've done a great job of walking the walk of the virtues I preach. I am a nutritionist by profession, and I work with a lower income population who sometimes seems desperate and hopeless. I hope they see see that I am living a healthy lifestyle myself on a shoestring budget. 

Whew! Now that I look at it, 2012 was a busy year! No wonder I wonder where it all went! Looking on at 2013, my theme will be "fun" not so say that I plan on being totally flaky, but I do plan on living in the moment, laughing, and playing a lot!  Here are some things that I would like to accomplish: 

1. I'm hitting my goal weight! Would like to see it happen by spring, but it certainly will happen before 2014!
2. Sending my kiddo off to college...doing everything I can to be able to send her to the school of her (and my) dreams!
3. I want to learn as many "survival skills" as possible, #1 on the list is to learn how to use my slingshot, and get scary accurate with it!
4. Trying every fitness class that sounds interesting or fun to me. Right now I have my eye on giving Turbo Kick and Piloxing a go!
5. Grow even more of my own food this year...my goal is maybe 50% of the produce we eat. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot about growing a garden last year, so I really think I can do so much better this year! 
6. Get right with the money situation. Use my tax check to pay off some debt so my bills will be lower this year and start living more simply. 
7. Speaking of living simply, I want to declutter. I will be getting rid of everything that I don't use or love, so looks like I'll be having one heckuva yard sale this spring!
8. Incorporating more hobbies and spending more time doing leisure activities. Get back in to sewing, crafting, and decorating.

Looks like a big fun year ahead, and I can't wait to get started!

The Ramblings Associated with Detoxing

Weird. I have been off the wagon diet-wise for a little while now. Between people bringing holiday snacks in to work and my own sadness missing my son and all, I really haven't been watching what I eat at all for the past week and a half. The exciting thing about me admitting this is that last night I took a good look at myself, my hands and feet were swollen beyond belief, my stomach distended, and I've just been lazy and headache-y since last Thursday and I knew for certain that diet was the reason for this. I immediately decided today was the day I get back on track, and absolutely couldn't wait to get started! What a better way to do it than to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables for the next 24 hours!!

The mind-blowing thing to me is how I feel today. I just feel light and energized. I question why in the world I don't do this all the time because I just feel amazing!

More or less, I just had to put this in writing so the next time I find myself struggling with not being able to stop eating junk, I can take a look at this and see that it will only make me feel miserable.

I Knew there was a Reason for Not Posting Last Week Like I Said I Would

I really don't know how to post this without it just seeming one sided and making a national tragedy appear to be all about me...if that's the way I end up coming across, please know that isn't the intention, but with that being said, this is my blog, my place to put my feelings down in writing, and my way of working things out in my head, so really I guess it is about me.

I wanted to post on Angel Day, had every intention, but didn't have it in me. It was just a very low key day and I spent most of it just trying to recharge my batteries. The day after, I wanted to post and something told me to just wait, the time wasn't right. When the tragedy in CT happened on Friday, I think I knew why it just didn't seem like the time to talk about healing from the loss of a child. I hate that there are now a bunch of new members of the bereaved parent club. It's a club that no one ever wants to be part of and spends a good chunk of time as a parent trying to stay out of, but due to circumstances out of our control, here we are. The good news is that we all love, support and understand each other. For a club whose membership is forced upon you, there sure are a lot of great people who I wouldn't have had the privilege of knowing otherwise.

It's appalling to me to see how many people are looking at a situation like this and questioning the existence of God. I just don't understand how they don't see that the only way these families are even putting on a brave face while picking out a casket for their children is because God is there guiding them through this.  The outpouring of love, support, prayers, money, and people just asking what they can do is God's work. Millions of parents going home Friday evening and declaring it to be family night so they can hang out with their kids that they just gained an appreciation for instead of everyone going their separate ways as usual is God's work. Tragedy should make our faith grow stronger, not drive us to question our faith.

The thing I am so grateful for concerning my time spent with Arthur is that we knew that his stay on earth was limited. People have asked me time after time how hard it was knowing that we wouldn't have him long, and I have to say I felt like it was a luxury. We knew not to take a minute for granted. We took him everywhere, even stopped for dinner and shopping on our way home from the hospital. We went to school Christmas programs and holiday shopping through the snow and large crowds. That's something that most people wouldn't dream of doing with a newborn, but we had the luxury of getting to be a little reckless in order to pile on the experiences for him. Yes, I'm a bereaved parent, I know the feeling of telling my child good bye for one last time. I know what it's like to hold the lifeless body of my baby hoping that he's just sleeping a little too deeply. Honestly, on the evening he passed, I didn't completely believe that he was really gone until I saw his toenails change color and felt rigor set in. That is an image that will never leave my mind and haunts me endlessly.

I know exactly what if feels like to lose the person who you are in charge of keeping safe and healthy, but what I don't know is the horror of being completely blindsided by the news that your child is no longer with you. I know it's sometimes a challenge to get a little one off to school in the mornings. I'm certain one or two of these kids spilled a whole box of cereal on the kitchen floor, lost their shoes, or made their parents late for work. I'm sure there was at least one of these children who was certain to be grounded until he was 35 over something that happened that morning, and now that the world has changed, that parent feels like the biggest heel who ever walked the planet. Over the next few weeks, I think we will all be a little more aware of our children's mortality, but will we continue to treat them like this might be their last day on earth 2 or 3 months from now? Will we forget that we should never walk away angry because that person you're angry with may never come back? I recall as a child, my dad would get so infuriated with my behavior and I was completely deserving of his lectures. I also remember that every corrective action ended with the same words, "I'm only yelling at you because I love you, dammit".  Up until this past week, I always found humor in this line, but now I realize that he always made sure to let me know that it wasn't me he was mad at, it was my behavior, and that he loved me no matter what. Had I gone on to school and not come home that day, he would have never had any regrets about the way he treated me at all.

To me, the bring home message to the event that has surrounded our thoughts this weekend is to  never take a moment with someone you love for granted and to never let someone go away feeling as if you are angry with them. One thing I can be most proud of from my experience with Arthur is that there was never a moment in his life where we didn't talk to him or treat him with the utmost of kindness and respect. How many other people can check out of this world without ever having been spoken to unkindly?

A Meloncholy Sort of Normal

I haven't had many positive things to say lately, so I just haven't said much at all. This isn't me, it's the season. Biggest problem with this is the vicious circle of not wanting to work out or eat right because I'm sad...and we all know that if you don't work out and eat right, it can make you sad. I've hit that place where I'm just plain tired of being sore and tired all the time, I've been there before and it never seems to get easier to get out of that funk, but I will get out of it. Plus I've gained a massive hunk of loose skin that really gets in my way when I do ab work lately, so instead of feeling all svelte and compact, I just feel floppy. I have cranked down the intensity of my workouts, been walking to work (5 miles round trip) instead of jog/ power walking my usual 3 miles plus some sort of class. I appreciate the opportunity to be outside and soak in some sunlight, I'm sure that's helping a bit. I will not stop being active just because I'm burned out, I'm just lessening the intensity (which, I'm sure means I'm slowing down my weight loss as well).

I envy the people I see that just dive right into their journeys and chug away, all motivated and stuff the whole way, until the weight melts off. My journey isn't like that at all, it's slow, not at all steady, in fact, it's very bumpy. I have great months of loss and months where I just barely do my best to maintain. I have also found my journey to be just as much mental as physical, and some days I feel like my brain is much flabbier than my body. I guess the harder you have to work for something, the more you appreciate it when you finally have it, right?

Still celebrating the 13 days of Arthur the best way I can, I've really been more down this year than the past couple, but I guess you'll have that...the journey through grieving is very similar to a weight loss journey, everyone does it differently, at a different speed, and there's no right way to do it. There are also backslides, it really is about picking yourself up more times than you fall down, just like in weight loss. Here's to praying that December 11 will bring an opportunity to reflect, recharge, and really start feeling more of the way I have chosen "normal" to feel again.