November 28, I Hate Writing that Date

Today is Arthur's birthday. Today is also the first time I have gone to work on November 28 since 2006. I do have it in me today, I think there is a point where life just has to get back to the "normal" that you have chosen for yourself, and I'm really ready to treat November 28 like a regular day. Here's the problem that I never foresaw...my job requires physical documentation after having seen a client, I have to sign and date the paperwork. I haven't written "November 28" on anything other than a memorial sort of tidbit in over 5 years, so of course, when I write that date, I immediately go into "in memory of..." mode.  Funny how I analyzed all of the potential barriers to working today and that never came up! That being said, I will be OK working on November 28 from now on, I feel like sometimes "normal" is just more comforting, but I will certainly not be working on December 11 (Angel Day) this year...too may flashbacks still.

I went to the gym this morning, as promised. Ran my legs off (it really doesn't take much for that to happen)... afterward, I felt great physically and felt great about what I had done. Now my hip is screaming in pain! Not going to let this break the 13 day streak, really working on stretching it out, I think it's a tendon issue, hopefully it can carry me on another run tomorrow morning! Have I mentioned how grateful I am to be as strong and healthy as I have become? In November of 2008, when this journey first started to spark, I was exhausted after walking my first mile when I decided to train for that fateful half marathon. It was REALLY hard for me to make it across the street to get home that day, now look at me! I have been given the gift of being able to walk absurdly long distances now (pretty sure I COULD finish a half marathon, just wouldn't be too happy about the way I feel after), I can run 2-3 miles without much trouble, I can make it through just about any hour long fitness class that is thrown my way, I'm lifting about 3 times the weight than I was 3 months ago, and I feel AMAZING! Physically and emotionally, I just feel wonderful. When I think of that broken, crying girl who wasn't able to even walk a mile without pushing herself to her limit, I'm so glad that I'm not her anymore. I don't hate her, and am glad that she existed, I think of her often, but have absolutely no desire to ever see her again!

We are having a mini retirement party for a couple of ladies at work today, lots of treats sitting around, and have to admit, I did take a plate of whatever I wanted (fruit, tortilla chips and salsa, cheese cubes, and a couple of cookies...there was a day when that would have been my first course, then would have been lurking around the snack table all day, so certainly took about 1/4 of what I would have a year ago). This time, I'm calling that my lunch, got by with a fairly light breakfast and have a Greek yogurt just in case of the hungries this afternoon. There is still a lot of fruit left, so that's another option for afternoon munchies.

Heading back to the stability ball to work on some more stretches for that hip now!

The Dawn of a Big Celebration

Only about 4 hours left until the start of our 13 day celebration of Arthur's life. It may seem silly to do this, but to me, there is no reason not to celebrate the tad under two week period that completely changed my life. I feel that people often downplay the death of an infant, I have had quite a few insensitive comments tossed my way and have certainly overheard others. The takeaway here is that these little people who we, the bereaved parents, have lost ARE people! With real lives, real names, and real parents who had real hopes and dreams for them. They lived in the womb, some never took a breath of air on earth, while others lived long enough on the outside to meet some people who will always remember them.  Arthur didn't live long, but he lived long enough to show me that there are truly beautiful people in the world, he seemed to draw out the beautiful soul of everyone he encountered. Arthur also lived long enough to show me that there is a God who has a plan for me, and that I should just trust my intuition because that's Him pointing me in the right direction.

When I rise in the morning, I will dress for the gym, get into the car and sing "Happy Birthday" at the top of my lungs! Once I arrive at the gym, I plan on running as far as I can. I don't care if it hurts, nothing can hurt worse than the memory of holding your deceased child for the last time.  I will run in honor of the little boy who I was told would never be able to stand, walk, eat, or live beyond a few days.  I will run until my legs give out and my lungs burn because when you attach physical pain to emotional pain, it seems so much easier to deal with. I will run every day until December 11, the day that Arthur decided his run on Earth was over.

I will also continue to write on many different platforms.  Arthur's story has to be told, people need to know to look at the bigger picture.  They need to know that when the worst thing that you can possibly imagine happens to you, it happens for a reason.  God gives you a choice, you can let tragedy define you or you can pray for strength and come out of something so terrible as a better person and hopefully inspire other people to deal with their own tragedies in a meaningful way.

Tonight's post really has nothing to do with what this blog is about, yet, somehow it also has everything to do with it. Yes, it is totally a page owned by a fit foodie who is enjoying a pretty significant weight loss, but I know if it weren't for meeting Arthur, I would have never looked at myself the way his little eyes looked at me and seen someone who deserves to take the best care of herself possible.

Now that the heavy stuff is off my chest, I can go on posting fun food and fitness stuff!!

It's Alive!

Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt when his creature started to become animated.  I've been working on the look and layout of my blog all morning and I'm pretty happy with it so far.

Today is one of those days I'm just going to be flying by the seat of my pants (that are really pretty baggy now) as far as eating and fitness goes, I think I'm just going to listen to my body. If I have a craving for a banana or salad, I'll eat it. If I crave a walk, I'll take it. I may head down to Pulse Fitness tonight because that just feels like the thing to do, but if I start to feel otherwise by this evening, I will do otherwise. I don't think I've ever felt this in control of my body in my life and I LOVE it!

Only two days until Arthur's birthday celebration, really, we've turned it into a thirteen day jamboree to celebrate a beautiful soul with a very short life. I'm planning a thirteen day running streak, have been having some hip ugliness, so really hope I can do this, but keep telling myself that if a little kiddo who wasn't supposed to live past 7 gestational weeks managed to live 13 days past birth, I think I can move past a sore hip to do something for him that he could have never done. Also, I REALLY want to start writing again, so I think I will take this opportunity to also commit to a thirteen day writing streak, maybe make a goal of 13 pages per day!

What We've All Been Waiting for....

So, I'm totally excited! This is the project I've been working on, thought it would be the perfect thing to honor Arthur's 5th birthday with, my very own blog. I've been thinking about putting a blog out there for a while now, I feel that Arthur's story has to be told, and I also feel like my phoenix-esque rise from rock bottom also needs to be put out there, not as a show-offy, look at meeeee sort of thing, but I really want to inspire other people and let them know that there is hope and that it is possible to come out on the other side of tragedy as a better person. I'm planning on posting lots of food stuff, fitness goodies, and downright inspirational things because this is more than a food blog, fitness blog, or blog of a grieving mother...this is the  diary of a woman who is overcoming her grief by pursuing her passions!